Fact or fiction?

It's rather interesting, really. I've successfully converted myself into becoming the person I said I wanted to be in the Acting For Beginners class awhile ago.

"Unlike many of you trying to step out of your comfort zone, I'm trying to find ways to step back inside; to not reveal much about myself and to open up even less to others," I'd said. Some of them asked me why, whether I had gotten myself hurt one too many times, or if I thought opening up meant subjecting myself to the torture of caring too much and subsequently getting hurt, and it was actually a yes to both questions. I used to be an open book - what you see is what you get - a crazy, self-assured woman who loved freely, cared freely, spoke freely. And that, in turn, was transformed into vulnerability when taken for granted.

In some ways, it was also because I felt like I barely knew the real me anymore. I've laughed so much, cried even more, and at the end I still stare at the mirror each day and wonder to myself which facade I had to put on, which role I had to play on which day.

Today, in our very first rehearsal for the Theatre for Young People ensemble, we had an activity in which we had to mention three interesting "facts" about ourselves and one of them had to be a lie. I, instead, went all the way and lied about all three.

"Fact" number one was that I was a born-again Christian, and that I had discovered God in my period of darkness and sadness. The truth is that I've been through many periods of darkness and depression, and at the end of the day I still can't see where God is. I'm agnostic; I believe in the existence of a Higher Being but not in religion.

"Fact" number two was that I'm a dancer, that I did gymnastics, ballet and now I dance contemporary and jazz. Technically I wasn't lying entirely, but the truth is I do not dance anymore and haven't been doing it for years.

"Fact" number three was that I was a lesbian -_-. Anyone who falls for this is. just. so. cool. Honestly, I WISH I'm really a lesbian. Chances are it's easier to meet a WOMAN who shares more similarities with me than a MAN. But unfortunately I'm not. Straight as a flag pole, although I am very pro-homosexuality, believing that even gay people deserve equal rights and the right to love and be loved.

So, bringing this back to the beginning. I think the reason why I withhold information about myself is because I'm afraid people will think they know me without actually knowing me. I'd rather people know the wrong facts about me and have that perception rather than knowing me for who I am, and still get facts about me messed up. I'm just afraid of opening up nowadays, that's true. I'm just groping around in the darkness searching for my comfort zone, craving to climb back in there where it's secure and safe and warm and to be alone.

But, certain moments, I want to be around people; to share light moments, laughter and to "be myself".

We'll see how the next rehearsal goes.