Horse and carriage, love and marriage?

Yet another friend of mine is subjecting himself to the age-old tradition of marriage. I may appear indifferent to this, but this was the same friend who used to call me every single day in Form 5, and chatted till the wee hours of morning. This was the same friend who used to express his admiration towards me, and we spent hours upon hours debating over many problems and issues. We used to see eye-to-eye on so many things, but as the years passed by, we seemed to drift further and further away. And today this is the same man who is soon to subject himself to a life of commitment and responsibilities.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against marriage, really. The only problem that exists within my horizon is the fact that whenever someone mentioned the word "marriage" or "wedding", I try sometimes to close my eyes and imagine how the day would look like, and would always come up empty. I often hear girls commenting about how they want their wedding day to be like, how their dresses should look, how they want to do their hair, even the song(s) they want to be playing on their wedding day, or the colour scheme of their wedding. It's funny, really. I knew since young that I always wanted to be a mother, but my inclination towards becoming a wife is so much less, if it ever existed at all.

Again, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against ending up with one person for the rest of my life. In fact, if anything, I'd be happy to be able to commit to one person for the rest of my life. But the deal is whether there will be such a person who would want to accept me for everything I am - warts and all. Men have always liked me for these reasons - independent, confident, crazy, weird, smart, articulate, but these are often the reasons that turn them away later on in the relationship. Independence + confidence + craziness + weirdness + intelligence in a woman who talks a lot spells disaster for most men. Let's face the fact: men find it difficult to handle women like these, not to mention most men are INTIMIDATED by women like these. And those who do often start it off by taking it as a challenge that they often fail at, but men and their ego's... they just shrug it off by saying, "Well, I've tried, but...".

I realise it may be commitment that I'm afraid of, and not marriage. But I am in a relationship that is coming to its third year, so logically speaking, I shouldn't be afraid of commitment. Perhaps it's the idea of permanence that scares me, which is the same reason why I hesitate getting a tattoo. Having something stuck to you for life can be pretty terrifying. Imagine having a wedding and inviting the entire world to celebrate the day with you, and then 10 years later the marriage ends with a divorce and the same people who congratulated you before are now feeling sorry for you.

I do think marriage could be a very beautiful thing. I love weddings, I honestly do! I love hearing stories of marriage proposals, and how the guy/girl cried their heart out. But I also know this will not happen to me. A practical girl like me will probably attract only practical men who will not resort to any special gestures to even ask for my hand in marriage. I can imagine the guy going, "Eh let's get married", and I'd probably go, "Oh, okay" (if I was serious about it), and we'd get the deed done in less than an hour. Very much like Britney Spears, minus the alcohol (and hopefully the divorce).

It's not that I do not want to get married. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to be able to be with someone you love for the rest of your life. But I just do not want to plan my life around it. If it happens, great. But if it doesn't, then I suppose I would just find other things to do in my life. I'd love to be a mother, and since I'm unsure about having children of my own anyway, I'd probably adopt.

It's interesting how the people your age that you knew since young were so different 5 years ago, and now. Yesterday, a childhood friend called me and upon finding out from me that most of our friends are married, she commented, "That's what life is about isn't it? You finish studying, you find someone and get married." Instantly, I said, "What bullshit." It's never supposed to be this way. Marriage is good and all, but there is certainly more to life than just meeting someone and marrying that person. I think I shocked her a bit; coming from a small town she would've probably expected me to be more like them and her, but I suppose something went "wrong" somewhere.

Why do we easily subject ourselves to an institution that has only a 50% chance of success? My point is perhaps that since youngsters mature much later these days, perhaps we should wait out longer before settling down. I have met young men who flirt with me (and mind you, I'm not talking about harmless flirting), and later on I would find out that they were married. I wonder how their wives would've felt about that. Immaturity is perhaps one of the causes of the failure of marriages, because they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. And besides, the real issue behind marriage should not just be about starting a family and reproducing. The real deal behind marriage should always be commitment, and commitment can easily be given without the promise of a ring and a simple signature on a piece of paper.