The missing :)

Yesterday, while waiting for time to pass and the rain to subside, I was sitting inside my car in the KLPac carpark area. With the sound of the gentle drops of the rain providing a certain melody to my aching ears, I silently looked out for that whisper. Sometimes, when it rains, the winds will blow a sharp breeze - a high-pitched sound generated by nature and difficult to be emulated by any other - that will sound like a whisper when you truly listened to it enough.

But the whisper never materialised.

I took my notebook out, sang some songs to entertain myself (I hate the rain), and started writing.

Dead, I was
It was all but one
My life died before my eyes
Grasping the threads of reality
As you walked away from my sight

Blinded, I was
Too much to see in too little time
Although it felt absolute was necessary
Giving you my life felt ordinary

With an odd mix of sorrow and joy
I allowed you to walk past me
Slithered beneath my feet, and
creating larger footsteps than before

You were but a reality
All but one
And I died, I cried,
I was blinded with joy and sorrow
A cannonball of emotions
for me to swallow

Though this seemed less poetic than any other pieces I've written before, I know one thing's for sure - those words reflect how I felt exactly.

It's funny, and I realise it myself. The "me" I supposedly show the world is not the person I really am, deep inside. I'm not the happy, crazy person everyone thinks I am. I wonder how everyone will think of me once they know the truth, and how they will handle this betrayal. Unfortunately, that's not for me to say. I know that even he can't handle my sorrow any further. But I wish they would understand that I wish not to be sorrowful as I am. I want to be happy too.

And I think I deserve just as much as everyone else to be happy. Sadly, it feels easier to depict sorrow in my appearances. Any other emotions/appearances always seemed easier than to depict joy. What is joy to me, truly?

I'm often reminded of what a friend said the first time he met me, after reading my blog for a few years. "You're very different from the way you portray yourself in your blog," he'd said. I asked, "How different?" And he said, "You're so spunky, in real life. But your blog is always so sad." Another friend commented on how I would have deceived people into thinking I'm an emo freak who doesn't laugh or smile with all my sad entries.

But maybe THIS is what I really am. Maybe when my face is putting on the greatest smile, maybe my heart just isn't. There's a missing smiley sign there, and I don't quite know how to put it back.