It's been a while...

I know, I hardly have (m)any excuses as to why I haven't been updating my journal. The past month or so has been an emotional moment for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, and there were times when I chose to numb myself so I just will not feel.

Ten went great; it was a great experience and I look forward to more performances coming this August. I simply cannot explain how much I love what I am doing at the moment. The only moments that bring me down are the moments when I am made to explain to my loved ones and my friends about why I can no longer spend as much time with them as I used to, or want to. I promise, however, with the end of August I will possibly have more time in hand and I would love to see each and every one of you who see the melodramatic side of me, even off-stage.

Tonight I am unable to sleep yet again. Insomnia hit me, while I am stressing out over an exam tomorrow, and while I am thinking hard about the decision(s) I may have to make, that may end up hurting myself or the others around me. Sometimes, pain is inevitable. Whatever decision one makes will cause hurt for one person or another.

It's hard to explain, really. I wanted time off because I wanted to be alone, because I wanted to experience many other things in life that I simply stopped enjoying because I was too busy focusing my attention on something or someone else. Love was not part of the question, or bargain, in this case.

I am brought back to the day of the T4YP ensemble audition in April/May this year. I chose this monologue because I could identify myself so well with it.

~~~~~~
Downtown New York, the 1980s. Cynthia contemplates her future, just after catching her ex-boyfriend and her best friend, making out in her kitchen.

CYNTHIA:

The realization hits me heavily, like a .44 Magnum smashing into my skull. My heart starts beating with a quick dread and my blood freezes in my veins. My stomach does backflips. The ordeal I am about to face is one of the most chilling, grisly, and macabre experiences known to woman.

Dating. I will have to start dating again.

Please, God, no, don't make me do it! I'll be good from now on, I promise! I'll stop feeding the dog hashish! I'll be kind, thoughtful, sober, industrious, anything. But please, God, not the ultimate torture of dating.

That's why I stayed with him for so long, probably. I couldn't stand going through it all again. Sure, he might be a trifle wild and intractable, I kept telling myself, but at least I know I'll get laid tonight, and tomorrow night. At least someone will go to the movies with me and not try to hold my hand.

Hand-holding. The WORST thing about dating. It's the most nerve-wrecking experience! Once I start holding hands, I'm afraid to stop. If I pull my hand away, will he think I'm being cold, or moody? Should I squeeze his hand and kind of wiggle my fingers around suggestively? Or is that too forward? What if my hand is clammy? A clammy hand is more offensive than bad breath or right-wing politics! A clammy hand means you're a lousy lay! Everybody knows that!

And what, dear spiteful God, will I wear?
~~~~~~

The point of all these rambling is that I chose to be alone so I could meet other people. I wanted to know if there really was someone out there who thinks like me, sees the world the way I do, or snacks on the things that I do, or loves food as much as I do. Random, true, but I am no hopeless romantic. I am just someone looking for the impossible, and making things happen one step at a time.

I will not lie (not at 3.40AM without sleep). I miss the good old times and I miss him. It may be difficult for many to believe, but he was one of the greatest things to have ever happened to me. Always reliable, calm, composed, loveable... most importantly, the one element that I had always admired in him was his ability to look at things rationally. True, it drove me crazy at times when I wished he could show more emotion or be more communicative, but it was his rationality that made him appear matured for his age. And maturity was what I needed, especially when I've grown beyond my own, and I needed someone who was stronger than I was, more reasonable than I was, more steadfast, and my pillar of strength.

But I'm sure he's destined for greater things in life, and having me around will probably not be the healthiest thing ever for him. I, meanwhile, will stick my head out a little bit longer. I will keep an open mind and a closed heart, because keeping it guarded right now is the best option. My greatest fear the day I said goodbye was this: will there be anyone else who will care for me the way he did, who would drive me to the doctor's at 4 in the morning like he did, who would buy me dinner simply because he felt like it, who would surprise me with randomly practical gifts like he did, who would be patient with me like he was, who would be constantly available for me at (almost) any time of the day like he was...

I wish things are not as complicated as they are now. I crave for simple platonic friendships and bondings. Why does every single male-female relationship in my life (in which case would mean me) have to be complicated? Why do they always end up falling for me when I am a nutcase, damn it... far too gone to be saved or comprehended. I shouldn't be worth anyone's time. Sometimes I realise I deliberately hurt the ones that I care for, in order to keep them away from me. I am afraid that once the feelings get beyond simple "care-for-a-friend", that's when they stop caring for real.

Every one says they'll do their best, when all I want is simply someone who will stick by me, be my best friend, hold my hand when I'm afraid, allow me to cry on his shoulder, be available for me, and someone who looks at things rationally while allowing emotions to speak on his behalf at times. I want someone who is matured, because immaturity is a big turn-off. I want someone who sees the world through my glasses, and someone who will challenge me to be a better person than I am now.

As much as excitement thrills me, I realise that at the end of the day, I am still a neurotic person who needs to be balanced out by someone who is not self-pitying or angsty.

It is true, indeed. It is about who you are when you are with the person that truly defines the relationship.

Now if only I could get a certain person out of my mind at this hour of night, that will be truly appreciated.