I want to hold your hand

My thoughts keep going back to you, that night so many nights ago when you had your arms outstretched towards me and enveloping me with those strong arms one minute later. I was standing at the pool, not in but right at the edge, and you looked at me with that look and smiled. And it stuck. What did? I don't know for sure. The memory, the smile, that look, the love.

From then on it's been a buzz of clear melodrama. One moment of static and the next, a jolt of sound on the radio as I tune in to your heartbeat.

I want this moment to pass without due respect to time. Driving back yesterday in the slight drizzle after the rain and after that last kiss that seemed to linger on for hours leaving me dizzy with the after effects, I thought of how beautiful we could have been, and were. You kissed me in the car for the first time, remember? It was night in a dark alley, and so much more could have happened, but it was just an innocent kiss. I had gummy bears right before, and you asked me why I was shy. But I was. You had that effect on me.

I've told myself a billion times to be strong. Rational. Less emotional. Less sensitive. I wonder if I could be strong without you, really. Remember what you said? You said I coloured your world, and you, to me, helped me separate the mess of coloured threads that made my life and gave meaning to it all. But I know, it's the right thing, isn't it? But why does right have to hurt?

I could give plenty of reasons to erase many memories in time, but with you, I'd rather keep them. I'll keep you tucked underneath my blanket at night, and to have you keep me warm. Not you, physically, but the memories.

We are all masters of our own fates, but we will never really know what will happen. All I ask from you is that you would think of me fondly once in a while and promise me you'll try. If our hearts shall beat together again, will you allow them to? No inhibitions, just love. Pure. Just. And beautiful.

One day you will look at me with that look again. Scratch my back for me again. And make those funny noises you do in the car. Or clap out of tune to the music that is playing on the radio. You'd do all that and more.

I wanted to say so much yesterday but all I could do was cry. I wanted to say "thank you". I wanted to say "I love you". But they got stuck somewhere. And it's funny, really. And I will never want to forget.