It's been a while...

I know, I hardly have (m)any excuses as to why I haven't been updating my journal. The past month or so has been an emotional moment for me, a rollercoaster of emotions, and there were times when I chose to numb myself so I just will not feel.

Ten went great; it was a great experience and I look forward to more performances coming this August. I simply cannot explain how much I love what I am doing at the moment. The only moments that bring me down are the moments when I am made to explain to my loved ones and my friends about why I can no longer spend as much time with them as I used to, or want to. I promise, however, with the end of August I will possibly have more time in hand and I would love to see each and every one of you who see the melodramatic side of me, even off-stage.

Tonight I am unable to sleep yet again. Insomnia hit me, while I am stressing out over an exam tomorrow, and while I am thinking hard about the decision(s) I may have to make, that may end up hurting myself or the others around me. Sometimes, pain is inevitable. Whatever decision one makes will cause hurt for one person or another.

It's hard to explain, really. I wanted time off because I wanted to be alone, because I wanted to experience many other things in life that I simply stopped enjoying because I was too busy focusing my attention on something or someone else. Love was not part of the question, or bargain, in this case.

I am brought back to the day of the T4YP ensemble audition in April/May this year. I chose this monologue because I could identify myself so well with it.

~~~~~~
Downtown New York, the 1980s. Cynthia contemplates her future, just after catching her ex-boyfriend and her best friend, making out in her kitchen.

CYNTHIA:

The realization hits me heavily, like a .44 Magnum smashing into my skull. My heart starts beating with a quick dread and my blood freezes in my veins. My stomach does backflips. The ordeal I am about to face is one of the most chilling, grisly, and macabre experiences known to woman.

Dating. I will have to start dating again.

Please, God, no, don't make me do it! I'll be good from now on, I promise! I'll stop feeding the dog hashish! I'll be kind, thoughtful, sober, industrious, anything. But please, God, not the ultimate torture of dating.

That's why I stayed with him for so long, probably. I couldn't stand going through it all again. Sure, he might be a trifle wild and intractable, I kept telling myself, but at least I know I'll get laid tonight, and tomorrow night. At least someone will go to the movies with me and not try to hold my hand.

Hand-holding. The WORST thing about dating. It's the most nerve-wrecking experience! Once I start holding hands, I'm afraid to stop. If I pull my hand away, will he think I'm being cold, or moody? Should I squeeze his hand and kind of wiggle my fingers around suggestively? Or is that too forward? What if my hand is clammy? A clammy hand is more offensive than bad breath or right-wing politics! A clammy hand means you're a lousy lay! Everybody knows that!

And what, dear spiteful God, will I wear?
~~~~~~

The point of all these rambling is that I chose to be alone so I could meet other people. I wanted to know if there really was someone out there who thinks like me, sees the world the way I do, or snacks on the things that I do, or loves food as much as I do. Random, true, but I am no hopeless romantic. I am just someone looking for the impossible, and making things happen one step at a time.

I will not lie (not at 3.40AM without sleep). I miss the good old times and I miss him. It may be difficult for many to believe, but he was one of the greatest things to have ever happened to me. Always reliable, calm, composed, loveable... most importantly, the one element that I had always admired in him was his ability to look at things rationally. True, it drove me crazy at times when I wished he could show more emotion or be more communicative, but it was his rationality that made him appear matured for his age. And maturity was what I needed, especially when I've grown beyond my own, and I needed someone who was stronger than I was, more reasonable than I was, more steadfast, and my pillar of strength.

But I'm sure he's destined for greater things in life, and having me around will probably not be the healthiest thing ever for him. I, meanwhile, will stick my head out a little bit longer. I will keep an open mind and a closed heart, because keeping it guarded right now is the best option. My greatest fear the day I said goodbye was this: will there be anyone else who will care for me the way he did, who would drive me to the doctor's at 4 in the morning like he did, who would buy me dinner simply because he felt like it, who would surprise me with randomly practical gifts like he did, who would be patient with me like he was, who would be constantly available for me at (almost) any time of the day like he was...

I wish things are not as complicated as they are now. I crave for simple platonic friendships and bondings. Why does every single male-female relationship in my life (in which case would mean me) have to be complicated? Why do they always end up falling for me when I am a nutcase, damn it... far too gone to be saved or comprehended. I shouldn't be worth anyone's time. Sometimes I realise I deliberately hurt the ones that I care for, in order to keep them away from me. I am afraid that once the feelings get beyond simple "care-for-a-friend", that's when they stop caring for real.

Every one says they'll do their best, when all I want is simply someone who will stick by me, be my best friend, hold my hand when I'm afraid, allow me to cry on his shoulder, be available for me, and someone who looks at things rationally while allowing emotions to speak on his behalf at times. I want someone who is matured, because immaturity is a big turn-off. I want someone who sees the world through my glasses, and someone who will challenge me to be a better person than I am now.

As much as excitement thrills me, I realise that at the end of the day, I am still a neurotic person who needs to be balanced out by someone who is not self-pitying or angsty.

It is true, indeed. It is about who you are when you are with the person that truly defines the relationship.

Now if only I could get a certain person out of my mind at this hour of night, that will be truly appreciated.

The Choices We Make In Life

He was aged. He wasn't ripe with backache, knee and joint pains but you know he was aged because he had a few grey streaks of hair colouring his crowning glory. It certainly had a certain gleam of glory; it was shining in the sun.

Ah, yes. The morning sun. Ten years ago, at 9.45AM the sun would have been safe for skin consumption - teachers recommended standing under the sun until 10AM for our daily dose of Vitamin D. Our Physical Education lessons would usually end at 10AM, and it was safe to proceed even until 11AM.

But today, it was barely 9.45AM and the sun had started scorching the skin.

His skin was reddish - I assumed it was due to prolonged exposure under the sun. His back was turned towards me; I couldn't get a glimpse of his facial features. Race, you ask? He may have been Malay, judging by his skin colour. But these days anyone could look Malay. And honestly, who cares, and why should we?

What mattered to me most was that cat he was holding in his arms, held above his own eye level, held above his crowning glory, the mat of greyish black hair that was gleaming in the sun. A fat cat. He moved the cat slowly, and just like a father would do to his son, he gently placed the cat next to his face and whispered into its ears. Amidst the morning traffic and shouts of passerbys I couldn't make out what he was saying. But even from his back, you could see that look of love. There was a certain sense of tenderness in the way he held the cat that could have easily been mistaken for love.

Oh, and the cat! What pride it held within itself to be held by its owner that way. It looked up to the morning sun, and for one moment the scenario reminded of me ancient Egypt, when Pharaohs would mourn for the loss of their cats by shaving their eyebrows and many other extreme measures. What power these feline creatures had.

I walked past a woman selling currypuffs and many other assorted local delicacies and kueh. I recognised a few, and tried recalling their names.

I smiled. It was a morning under blistering hot sun, but it was certainly a sunny day. I could feel my heart smiling from beneath my breasts, beating against my ribcage gently.

In our daily lives, we make too many excuses to justify ourselves, to justify our decisions and the things we do. I came to a realisation that it was just that - we've gotten so used to making justifications that we have become experts at conjuring new excuses. I have no time, I'm too tired, I can't, I can't, I can't. I just can't.

But if a grandmother can pick up dancing at the age of 70, what excuse do you have?

If a mother of five with a full time job can find time to cook lunch and dinner everyday, why can't you?

If a husband with a busy schedule can find time to make love (and I mean, make love) to his wife every night, what is your excuse?

If there are people who love and enjoy their jobs, why aren't you? Simply perhaps you're not doing what you love to do.

If others can find time to read, why can't you?

If people can be happy, why aren't you?

It all boils down to a matter of CHOICE. Even making excuses and justifications become tiring after a while. It's all a matter of CHOICE. We have that CHOICE to start doing something we love, even if we think it's too late, or to just forget about it and live our lives with regret. We have that CHOICE to appreciate those around us, or to ignore them and to live our lives with regret. We have a CHOICE to manage our time well, or to continue giving excuses about not having enough time. We have that CHOICE to be happy in the simple things in life, or to find fault in all that we do.

I made my choice today. What is YOURS?

Fact or fiction?

It's rather interesting, really. I've successfully converted myself into becoming the person I said I wanted to be in the Acting For Beginners class awhile ago.

"Unlike many of you trying to step out of your comfort zone, I'm trying to find ways to step back inside; to not reveal much about myself and to open up even less to others," I'd said. Some of them asked me why, whether I had gotten myself hurt one too many times, or if I thought opening up meant subjecting myself to the torture of caring too much and subsequently getting hurt, and it was actually a yes to both questions. I used to be an open book - what you see is what you get - a crazy, self-assured woman who loved freely, cared freely, spoke freely. And that, in turn, was transformed into vulnerability when taken for granted.

In some ways, it was also because I felt like I barely knew the real me anymore. I've laughed so much, cried even more, and at the end I still stare at the mirror each day and wonder to myself which facade I had to put on, which role I had to play on which day.

Today, in our very first rehearsal for the Theatre for Young People ensemble, we had an activity in which we had to mention three interesting "facts" about ourselves and one of them had to be a lie. I, instead, went all the way and lied about all three.

"Fact" number one was that I was a born-again Christian, and that I had discovered God in my period of darkness and sadness. The truth is that I've been through many periods of darkness and depression, and at the end of the day I still can't see where God is. I'm agnostic; I believe in the existence of a Higher Being but not in religion.

"Fact" number two was that I'm a dancer, that I did gymnastics, ballet and now I dance contemporary and jazz. Technically I wasn't lying entirely, but the truth is I do not dance anymore and haven't been doing it for years.

"Fact" number three was that I was a lesbian -_-. Anyone who falls for this is. just. so. cool. Honestly, I WISH I'm really a lesbian. Chances are it's easier to meet a WOMAN who shares more similarities with me than a MAN. But unfortunately I'm not. Straight as a flag pole, although I am very pro-homosexuality, believing that even gay people deserve equal rights and the right to love and be loved.

So, bringing this back to the beginning. I think the reason why I withhold information about myself is because I'm afraid people will think they know me without actually knowing me. I'd rather people know the wrong facts about me and have that perception rather than knowing me for who I am, and still get facts about me messed up. I'm just afraid of opening up nowadays, that's true. I'm just groping around in the darkness searching for my comfort zone, craving to climb back in there where it's secure and safe and warm and to be alone.

But, certain moments, I want to be around people; to share light moments, laughter and to "be myself".

We'll see how the next rehearsal goes.

Why... did I let it go?

I wonder if I could dance like this again or ever. Beautifully danced; the chemistry between the two dancers made this dance breathtaking, really.


Allison and Ivan from So You Think You Can Dance
dancing to "Why" by Annie Lennox

My one greatest regret in life is stopping formal dance training when I was much younger. I've stopped dancing for almost ten long years, while others my age were training hard to be stronger, more flexible, graceful, with better agility and strength, and not to mention, better adaptability to dance with a partner, something(s) I haven't been doing for the past ten years.

Silly, isn't it? My mother was the wisest woman on earth when she sent her children for proper training in music, and ballet for me, but we took that opportunity for granted. I would do anything to take back the years, but I know there's nothing I could do now, that's for sure. She saw the importance in formal music education, but unfortunately I didn't. Nowadays I have trouble reading notes even though I played the organ for about 8 years. And I missed out so much on dance. All I can do is to replace all those years of "emptiness" with extra hard work and extreme determination.

It's ironic, really. I literally begged my mother to send me for ballet classes. I wrote numerous letters reasoning why I should dance ballet, and I even pulled cheeky stunts by leaving newspaper cuttings, comic books, and pictures relating to ballet on her table. Sure, I stopped for various reasons - I have knee problems and a constant backache, but that wasn't enough justification to stop dancing when you realise how big a part of your life it truly is.

For years, I had this great big void in my heart, and I couldn't really be happy even when I tried to be. I smiled a lot, laughed even more, but there was always an emptiness deep inside. Whenever I watched dance performances or clips or movies, I cringe because I realised that this could be me. But it wasn't. It took me such a long time to come to the realisation that the missing link was returning my body to its true purpose and calling - dancing.

I know that people say when you started dancing at a young age your body never really loses it; that it's always within you and I won't deny that fact. I've had people approach me, asking me if I was a dancer (even today) whenever they see me around (even when I'm not dancing). But skipping years of training means losing out on lots of experiences, and the opportunities to build up on my strength (especially my hands). Even trained dancers, whenever they stop dancing for a month or two, would experience body aches whenever they pick up dancing again. Imagine that experience when you've stopped dancing formally for almost ten years.

Which is why we always say "mother knows best". She truly does. I should have listened. I just hope it's not too late now.

Edit: I decided to share these two videos that I find pretty impressive as well.


Beautiful choreography. Seriously.


I personally feel that this lacked chemistry, but the dancers were wonderful, it made this piece stunning. The chemistry may not have been there, but it did make me want to cry. They weren't dancing it for each other, but you can feel them feeling the music for themselves.
And oh, I think Blake McGrath makes dancing seem easy. Both him and Melody, in fact, have bodies made for lyrical dance. Oh, the softness!
At 00:53, Melody made a noticeable mistake. But she covered it up nicely :).

The Woes of the Graduates

It's the time of the year again. No, not the season of flu (although that too, holds enough bearings) but the out-of-school season.

I've been browsing through Facebook status of friends and I noticed that most of them had something in common - the usage of the word "future". For those graduating this year from college/university, what happens next is starting to feel more like a puzzle than ever. Life, however, is expected to be more of a puzzle as we go along. But in your 20's, the quarter-life crisis strikes and you're left wondering about your next step in life.

The problem is just that. Whatever you do from this moment on will directly or indirectly determine the direction of your future. It sounds scary, true, but it could be close to reality. There are people who change fields at age 40, true, but how many of these people are there?

Let's face reality. Most people are creatures of comfort, who subscribe to a life of normalcy, whatever this could indicate. Most people choose to live the common life of studying, graduating from college/university, working, working, working, buying a house, a car, settling down and having kids, and growing old. The idea of success usually revolves around how large your bank account is, and the range of your property. We want a safe life, which is the reason why most people work so hard in life - to obtain a comfortable, secure life, and to then provide the same comforts for their offspring and the generation thereafter.

But there are also some of us who crave for a life less ordinary - one that is filled with as much shit as everyone else's but also filled with another component some of us call "life". I have been putting much thought to what the purpose of our lives are. It's sad that most people subject themselves to working hard without thinking of the implication it brings to the people around them. Whatever happened to the other values that we own aside from diligence, such as family values, friendship, love, or simple enjoyment? How many of us actually stop to smell the roses anymore?

I suppose the point is that most of us worry, right before the point of our graduation, because we want to do what's right. We want to take the correct first step in order to ensure that everything else is in place for the next steps in life that we are about to take. But we have to also be prepared for the loopholes, the potholes, the blind spots that we fail to see sometimes. These loopholes may not necessarily be bad things after all. After all, most people stumble upon what they love to do after giving many things a try. But that's the importance of trying. When we try to be safe, we'll never truly discover our true passion(s), our true loves, and our true enjoyments. We'll never really realise our true capabilities and abilities, and it is just as easy to ignore our true talents and skills.

So, take a step back, sit back and relax. Sometimes, worrying too much will only bring us nowhere. As human beings, we need to bump our heads into a few walls before realising that we need to change the direction and speed at which we're moving. Fret not if you don't know what you want to do; not everyone does at a young age.

I suppose it's important for us to remember that life is not a destination, but a journey and experience. Drink every drop of it, and savour every moment.

Some pictures from the week that was before, and happy moments they were:

Graduates of Acting For Beginners with Joe Hasham

Friends who made their way to KLPac to see me make a fool of myself

I had fun working as Front of House staff for RACE

Life goes on. It's important for us to face each day with a smile. Today might just be the last day on earth for some. I'm unsure if what I'm doing right now (doing a second degree in law, etc) is the right thing to do, but there's only one way to find out - to actually do it. I'm thankful for the support I have from my family and friends. I'm thankful for my inner strength, too, because everytime I feel like I'm about to crumble and fall, I search for that strength within, and I move on every single time.

Moments like these, even I can't deny the existence of God.

Horse and carriage, love and marriage?

Yet another friend of mine is subjecting himself to the age-old tradition of marriage. I may appear indifferent to this, but this was the same friend who used to call me every single day in Form 5, and chatted till the wee hours of morning. This was the same friend who used to express his admiration towards me, and we spent hours upon hours debating over many problems and issues. We used to see eye-to-eye on so many things, but as the years passed by, we seemed to drift further and further away. And today this is the same man who is soon to subject himself to a life of commitment and responsibilities.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against marriage, really. The only problem that exists within my horizon is the fact that whenever someone mentioned the word "marriage" or "wedding", I try sometimes to close my eyes and imagine how the day would look like, and would always come up empty. I often hear girls commenting about how they want their wedding day to be like, how their dresses should look, how they want to do their hair, even the song(s) they want to be playing on their wedding day, or the colour scheme of their wedding. It's funny, really. I knew since young that I always wanted to be a mother, but my inclination towards becoming a wife is so much less, if it ever existed at all.

Again, don't get me wrong. I have nothing against ending up with one person for the rest of my life. In fact, if anything, I'd be happy to be able to commit to one person for the rest of my life. But the deal is whether there will be such a person who would want to accept me for everything I am - warts and all. Men have always liked me for these reasons - independent, confident, crazy, weird, smart, articulate, but these are often the reasons that turn them away later on in the relationship. Independence + confidence + craziness + weirdness + intelligence in a woman who talks a lot spells disaster for most men. Let's face the fact: men find it difficult to handle women like these, not to mention most men are INTIMIDATED by women like these. And those who do often start it off by taking it as a challenge that they often fail at, but men and their ego's... they just shrug it off by saying, "Well, I've tried, but...".

I realise it may be commitment that I'm afraid of, and not marriage. But I am in a relationship that is coming to its third year, so logically speaking, I shouldn't be afraid of commitment. Perhaps it's the idea of permanence that scares me, which is the same reason why I hesitate getting a tattoo. Having something stuck to you for life can be pretty terrifying. Imagine having a wedding and inviting the entire world to celebrate the day with you, and then 10 years later the marriage ends with a divorce and the same people who congratulated you before are now feeling sorry for you.

I do think marriage could be a very beautiful thing. I love weddings, I honestly do! I love hearing stories of marriage proposals, and how the guy/girl cried their heart out. But I also know this will not happen to me. A practical girl like me will probably attract only practical men who will not resort to any special gestures to even ask for my hand in marriage. I can imagine the guy going, "Eh let's get married", and I'd probably go, "Oh, okay" (if I was serious about it), and we'd get the deed done in less than an hour. Very much like Britney Spears, minus the alcohol (and hopefully the divorce).

It's not that I do not want to get married. I think it would be absolutely wonderful to be able to be with someone you love for the rest of your life. But I just do not want to plan my life around it. If it happens, great. But if it doesn't, then I suppose I would just find other things to do in my life. I'd love to be a mother, and since I'm unsure about having children of my own anyway, I'd probably adopt.

It's interesting how the people your age that you knew since young were so different 5 years ago, and now. Yesterday, a childhood friend called me and upon finding out from me that most of our friends are married, she commented, "That's what life is about isn't it? You finish studying, you find someone and get married." Instantly, I said, "What bullshit." It's never supposed to be this way. Marriage is good and all, but there is certainly more to life than just meeting someone and marrying that person. I think I shocked her a bit; coming from a small town she would've probably expected me to be more like them and her, but I suppose something went "wrong" somewhere.

Why do we easily subject ourselves to an institution that has only a 50% chance of success? My point is perhaps that since youngsters mature much later these days, perhaps we should wait out longer before settling down. I have met young men who flirt with me (and mind you, I'm not talking about harmless flirting), and later on I would find out that they were married. I wonder how their wives would've felt about that. Immaturity is perhaps one of the causes of the failure of marriages, because they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. And besides, the real issue behind marriage should not just be about starting a family and reproducing. The real deal behind marriage should always be commitment, and commitment can easily be given without the promise of a ring and a simple signature on a piece of paper.