This Is When My Youth Ends

It's quiet at night here, where I am sitting facing my laptop screen, with only the sound of distant crickets and the soft blowing of the fan. It's pretty sudden, the missing, the aching, the pining of times past, of lost memories and childhood and those phone conversations we had in the past. I suddenly remember those moments so many years ago when I was seventeen, hiding in the dark downstairs with the cordless phone in the house, dodging my parents and their squealing and complaints of the exorbitant amount the phone bills always came up to.

Funny. Back then it felt like a task, like mission impossible playing in my life.

But I miss those moments most. I mourn the loss of my youth with the realisation that my childhood friends are getting hitched. I had a very good friend back in Form 6, when I was eighteen. I struggled all through Form 6, because of the many issues I had and stumbling in between the psychiatrist's office and home, I found my way into his car in the late evenings, spending hours upon hours with plain conversations. The attraction was there, I suspected, but it remained a platonic friendship, and one I certainly miss. Where are those days now? Why must every single male-female friendship these days seem more complicated than they ever were?

I recall those days with a smile. I'd mention his name, this friend of mine who always had a joke on his lips every single day, entertaining everyone including himself. His best skills were playing the guitar, running and football. Remember the song "Pupus"? Until today it's stuck in my head because of you. And I recall those days when we were close, when he and I were friends, when he cheered me up simply when I was down. I always thought those days would never end. But they did. They ended when I left town, and I never really came back. Sure, I did, every once in a while, but I never saw him. It's funny. I don't even remember how he looks like now. The only remains of his memory is this medal he dedicated to me, hanging from the mirror in my room at home. How I miss his smile, his laughter, his warmth. And this aching is multiplied now that I met someone who reminds me of him.

There were also those days, remember? Of spending them with her in the public library after school every single day. We'd study and laugh, and spent our evenings sitting outside the library making silly antics that others would hopefully find bizzarre. There was also "tok kura-kura", remember? This old man with his bicycle whom we thought resembled "tok kura-kura" from Dragonball so much. I miss him. I miss seeing him with his steady old bicycle, riding past every day. Remember when it rained, back then? We'd fold our pants up and play in the rain. If it became flooded, even the better. We'd skip in the knee-high water, and splashed our worries away. I remember how you felt when you suffered loss. We spoke about your mother a lot, remember? I wanted so badly to wipe your ache away, but all I could do was to sit beside you while you cried. We became best friends that way, you and I. How I miss those days. And how I miss you.

What changed, I wonder? I look back on all these years and I can't seem to point to a day when everything started morphing into the complexity of what it is today. I miss you. Please come back. Come home to me. But you can't. The days are gone, and this is how I will be spending the rest of the days. This is when my youth ends: with friends building families, lost childhood memories, and old flames settling down for good. For good, of course.

But if he ever did, I don't know how I will ever take it.

Voiceless and Rocked Up

I have a sore throat. No, scratch that. I HAVE A FREAKING PAINFUL SORE THROAT THAT HAS LASTED FOR THREE MONTHS. No kidding.

It started rather innocently, of course. Just a little itch in the throat. So what did I do? I went to get myself a bottle of "Ubat Batuk Cap Ibu Dan Anak" also known as the "Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa" (I had to refer to the bottle to confirm the name), thinking that it would provide adequate relief to my situation. Well, no. The pain lasted, and got worse.

Within a few weeks, the little itch - that little innocent itch - had turned into a rascal of an itch. I couldn't sleep at night, had running nose, a bad case of sinus, and cough cough cough.

It's not that I do not want to be cured, really. I've been to more than five doctors in three clinics and more than five or six times in this three months. AND YET EVERYTIME I WAS HOPEFUL, I GOT MYSELF DISAPPOINTED.

Well into my fourth month now, and still no sign of improvement. The bad news is this: it has just gotten worse. I can't sleep at night because of my throat itch, and I've started wheezing (again!) every night and morning. I hate using the inhaler every single day. I hate being dependent on medication. I hate. this. stupid. sore throat.

What I need is an instant cure, instant relief from every pain I'm suffering from right now. I hate being sick.

~~~~~~~~~~

I finally visited JP's new place. Quite a nice cosy place she has there. Some pictures:

JP and her kitchen

The living room

Her room! She finally got her own room and space :p

Her housemate and her got these mirror pieces from IKEA and stuck them on the wall. Pretty neat. I'd wanted to do that in my room more than a year ago but was afraid of leaving marks on the wall.

Earlier, we were also at the Rock Up concert in The Curve. Rock Up is a concert aimed at raising funds for the Agathians Shelter, which is one of the orphanages we partnered with/did projects with under AIESEC.

Sadly, though, we arrived as the event was coming to an end.



I did very little (but I hoped I contributed) by buying a T-shirt. Managed to see some of the kids, but I certainly miss those days of playing "John mechanic" with them. Or watching them breakdance. Or having them "teach" us how to breakdance. Haha!

I'm retiring to bed soon. In need of some sleep. Finally went for a trial dance class yesterday, and still contemplating whether to join the class due to a language barrier. Dreading the Legal Skills class tomorrow morning, but definitely looking forward to T4YP rehearsals in the afternoon!

My Favourite Things

What does a woman do when she's feeling down and depressed? I learn from the best, and who better to learn from than Maria from The Sound of Music.

I decided to make a collection of the things that make me happy, my so-called favourite things. Bear with the change of lyrics, but sing along if you please:

~~~~~
Sunny days without the sunburning hot sun

Orange juice, KFC and porridge with chicken
Good hair days, healthy days, and days of carefree

these are a few of my favourite things.
~~~~~~
Cute little T-shirts and beautiful dresses

A swim in the pool or dancing with masses

Sitting alone and writing a poem
these are a few of my favourite things.

~~~~~~

Watching a play and performing is better

Singing aloud and sharing what matters

Cooking and colourful things that are rare

these are a few of my favourite things.

~~~~~~
When I feel down, when I'm depressed,
when I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things,
and then I don't feel so bad.

~~~~~~

Warm hugs from those who love me and ditto
A warm mug of ginger tea or milk or Milo
Lazy days lying in bed without worry

these are a few of my favourite things.
~~~~~~

Old memories, laughing till sun hits my pillow

Ice cream, cheesecakes, raspberries and jell-O
Playing with kittens and making kids smile

these are a few of my favourite things.
~~~~~~
Old movies, sappy songs, moments alone
Acting silly, taking pictures of things known


Cuddling up, warm showers in the morning

these are a few of my favourite things.
~~~~~~
When I feel down, when I'm depressed,
when I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favourite things,
and then I don't feel so bad.


So now I don't feel so bad!

Oh, and JP's officially moved out of Tiara.

Will miss such a dear friend. Promise me we'll still hang out sometime, and act silly as we often do!